


Sliding Doors

by Moth2Flame



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Andrew never kisses Neil in the books, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asexual!Robin, Awkward Kissing, Demisexual!Neil, F/M, M/M, Robin and Neil are Asexual, also sorry nicky, alternative get-together, and they live happily ever after, honestly i have never written so many words about kissing in my entire life, neil figures out that he has feelings that everyone had known all along, the foxes get schooled on what asexuality means, they figure that out together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-01 19:46:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20263540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moth2Flame/pseuds/Moth2Flame
Summary: You know all the parts of The Kings Men that we absolutely love and adore and screenshot and analyse? Yeah, so, pretend those didnt happen.Andrew never kisses Neil on the roof. They never get together. The shower scene doesn't happen.Andrew does let Aaron go. He does get Neil to stay. They still always gravitate towards each other. They remain friends -just friends- until two years out of Palmetto has Neil Josten transferring to Andrew's team and they're once again sharing the same living space.





	Sliding Doors

**Author's Note:**

> I was meant to be writing a massive scene for my other fic so, naturally, this happened.
> 
> Title is from the Gwyneth Paltrow movie of the same name. The basic premise is how one little detail like, say, missing a train vs. catching it, could completely change the way your life unfolds. But, in the end, things that are meant to happen do happen and people who are meant to be important to your life still become important. So... Its kind of about Fate.
> 
> We already know what happens when Andrew does kiss Neil, and this is... probably, definietly not the way things would happen if he didnt. 
> 
> Its light-hearted, its OOC, and its absolutely fucking ridiculous. No, I will not apologise
> 
> enjoy!

**Present day…**

Neil unlocked the door with a barely used key and let himself into the apartment he’s only seen twice. The flight had been long and he was tired and all he really wanted to do was find his bed and collapse face-first into it.

Problem was, there appeared to be a person there that he did not recognise, which kind of put a damper on his carefully crafted plans.

“Um... Hi? How did you get in here?” the guy asked, blinking at him like he was expecting Neil to disappear when he closed his eyes. Unfortunately for both of them, it didn’t work.

Neil stared at him blankly, taking in his lax clothes and comfort in Andrews apartment. He frowned, brow furrowed and tone wary, “I used my key. Who are you?”

The guy paled to a sickly pallor and Neil was suddenly concerned that he was going to become sick all over the expensively tiled floor. He starts stuttering in a high voice that sounded eerily similar to panic. Funny, usually it was Andrew who got that reaction. “I uh... I’m Jamie. Um... Look, this is really fucking awkward, but I swear I had no idea that Andrew was involved with anyone or anything OK? He never mentioned you”

Neil blinked, stunned and uncomfortable and feeling very much like a reluctant intruder in the place that’s meant to be his temporary home, “Andrew doesn’t mention anyone. I’m Neil”

“Oh!” Jamie’s eyes bug wide, and Neil suddenly recognises the look he’s giving him. Honestly, he preferred the fear, “oh. OMG. You’re Neil – Neil Josten, right? From the Boston Sea Eagles!” his hands go to his head as he stares at Neil with a sudden awe, “holy shit, I am a _huge_ fan, dude. Like, _huge_. That goal you scored against the Gargoyles? Oh my god, I had chills man. That was some wizardry of epic proportions”

“Uh... Yeah, thanks man” Neil looked to the door behind him and the escape it represented, very much jealous of the potted plant that was free on the other side, “so, uh... I’m gonna go”

But Jamie doesn’t let him. No, of course not, that would be far too easy.

He ropes Neil into talk about Exy, and Neil tolerates it purely because it is talk about Exy. It’s his own fault, really. Oh, he tried to find some way to blame this on Andrew, he really did, but no matter how obscure, the blame kept rolling around back onto him and now he had to suffer the consequences. Mainly; Jamie.

Andrew had told him that he could stay in his spare room until he managed to secure an apartment, but he was meant to be arriving tomorrow. Had Neil known that he would meet Jamie, Andrew’s… _whatever_, he wouldn’t have taken the earlier flight. Even though Neil was aware of Andrew’s sexuality, he also knew that Andrew was a very private person, especially in regards to his sex life. Neil found an odd sense of guilt hit him at the unintentional discovery of Andrew’s bed-mate and was very much wanting to crawl out of his skin or fake an emergency or just stab Jamie with one of the many sharp kitchen knives just to get out of there.

Andrew’s space was often a solace for Neil, quiet and accepting, but now he felt like an intruder. The feeling was not a pleasant one, not in the slightest. It was kind of like planning to go to an Exy game with a friend, and, upon arrival, discovering that your seat had already been filled by a guy who smiled too wide and said things like ‘omg dude’

Literally. He literally said ‘O M G.’ The letters, not the words they represented. The _ actual letters_. Neil had no idea how Andrew managed to tolerate this guy, and then, upon a further panicked reflection, decided that he definitely did NOT want to know.

The door opened and Andrew appeared and Neil sighed in relief and didn’t even care that it was loud. Andrew stopped in the doorway, his eyes immediately taking in Neil and Jamie on the couch, Neil’s bag still sitting by the door, then straight back to Jamie with a disinterested but slightly dangerous look, “I told you to leave”

Jamie jumped to his feet immediately, a fire suddenly lit under his ass, and started collecting what Neil assumed were his things, blabbering through apologies as he went. 

Andrew ignored him and set his narrowed sights on Neil, “you said you’d be here tomorrow”

Neil shrugged, “I got an earlier flight”

Jamie had just finished collecting his things only to stop on his way to the door and hang by Neil awkwardly. Neil immediately felt uncomfortable. And maybe a little irritated. Possibly impatient, too. And… there was definitely some annoyance in there somewhere.

“Look, I know it’s weird but, can I have your autograph?”

Neil blinked at him, and then frowned, supressing another sigh because signing autographs was in his new contract (probably thanks to the ever-pleasant Minyard) and debated whether or not Andrew’s apartment actually counted as public space, “yeah, I guess”

Andrew, however, was not that patient. Neil knew there was a reason he liked him. “I said ‘get out’”

Jamie immediately ceased his hovering and went to the door. He gave Andrew a rueful wave, with a parting, “text me” to which Andrew slammed the door on. 

Neil shrugged, a little rueful himself, but feeling evidently more comfortable as the milliseconds ticked by “I got here early”

Andrew ignored him completely and instead went to the kitchen. 

“So, he seems... Nice” Neil wondered if he sounded insincere and did a quick check to figure out if he cared. Conclusion: not even a little.

“I see your Smalltalk skills have not improved”

“Neither have your personal relations skills”

Neil could have sworn Andrew scoffed before pouring some hot coffee into one mug, then he poured some into a second one -the chipped old PSU one that Neil always favoured and knew Andrew had kept just for him.

Andrew went to the window, then opened it, letting in the warm summer night air. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lit up, Neil watching him in silence the entire time. 

Finally, Neil spoke, “those things will kill you,” because he didn’t quite know just what else to say.

Andrew didn’t spare a look for him when he spoke, instead taking another long drag and flicking his ash out the window, his gaze somewhere out into the night, “something has to, Neil”

That sat with Neil far longer than he thought it would.

**  
**Summer of 2010…**

Back at Palmetto, in Neil’s third year, Coach David Wymack had recruited Robin Cross to the Foxes. 

There was nothing particularly interesting about the situation, except that Andrew seemed to have taken a special interest in her. Everyone was surprised when Robin started coming to Eden’s with them and Andrew moved her into their room. Andrew often would be found off with Robin, their own secret conversations going on, and Neil often wondered if Andrew could possibly be missing Renee. 

There was nothing particularly special about Robin, either. She was taller than Neil -so taller than Andrew- but a relatively average height. She was incredibly lanky, though, skin and bone, and the mere thought of her being a goalie was an absolute joke. The moment she got to Palmetto she was put on a diet plan of high protein and carbs and set a specific workout routine to gain muscle. As soon as Andrew kept Robin, Kevin finally took an interest in her and, in between his usual scathing and eviscerating words, took it upon himself to monitor her diet and bring her to night practices that were still going with him, Andrew and Neil. 

Neil and Robin were never particularly close, but he found she had a dark sense of humour, quick wit and a sharp eye for details. In his fifth year, Andrew and Aaron and Nicky left and Robin was all he had left of Andrew’s collected family. And, with Neil training Robin up to be Captain –now a more assertive and physically imposing woman- they grew closer, still sharing the only co-ed room in the dorm. Against university policy, no doubt.

Still, it absolutely surprised Neil when Robin asked him a question completely out of the blue whilst they were watching an Exy match of Kevin’s new team, the Seattle Serpents “hey, Neil. Do you like me?”

Neil blinked at her in confusion, brow furrowed, still half distracted by the screen and wondering just why the hell she was asking him such a strange question, “uh, yeah. I guess. Why?”

She nodded to herself and they went back to watching Kevin on screen. 

It was a few weeks later when she asked him another question, “I think... I want to try something. You can totally say no, but, could you kiss me?”

Neil looked at her, brow furrowed and eyes squinted like if he looked hard enough he could see the sequence of events that lead to such a strange and random question, and watched as a dark shade of red overtook her cheeks and up her neck, clashing horribly with the bright pink of her hair, 

“Um... “

She shook her head and dropped his gaze immediately, seeming to fold in on herself, “y’know what, forget it. Forget I said anything. Honestly. It’s just stupid”

Neil regarded her curiously, more than a little caught off guard, “why?”

“Truth for truth?” she asked meekly. 

He let out a huff of breath, both of them having picked that up from Andrew and Neil felt a twinge at the reminder. He nodded. 

She began picking at her sleeves, a nervous habit of hers that was far less frequent over the years. She couldn’t meet his gaze, “I haven’t... I haven’t ever kissed a boy before, not by choice. I don’t even know if I want to. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m scared, or if maybe something is wrong with me and I’m somehow broken. But, I do think I would like to try it, just so I know, and the only boy I could think of that I could trust is you”

Neil didn’t have the capacity for pity, or any kind of consoling words. He didn’t have any particular interest in anyone, or any interest in trying. But, Robin was family, and Neil certainly felt an affection for her and enjoyed her company. Neil thought that if there was any girl that he wanted to kiss, it would be her, so he said, “okay. Yes”

It was barely more than a peck, a simple brush of lips. Neil had kissed girls before and, besides the fact that it was Robin and he knew her, it was no more spectacular. Maybe even less so, because there was no adrenaline from doing something forbidden. 

Robin pulled away, frowning slightly and looking considering, “am I doing it wrong?”

Neil shrugged, because he would hardly know, “I don’t think so”

“Okay. Should we try again?”

Neil shrugged another shoulder, “okay”

The next one Robin kissed him slightly harder, more pressure on his mouth. Their hands were kept completely to themselves and Neil sat there with his eyes open as he waited for her to finish. She had a smattering of freckles along her nose that reminded him of sand on warm skin. Then, she pulled back and Neil blinked at her. 

She said, “thank you” and turned back to the screen and so did Neil and neither spoke about it for the rest of the night. 

What Neil had already known about Robin, (but what he was only just recently discovering in regards to himself) was that Robin liked research. And facts. And little bits of trivia. If there was something Robin didn’t understand or wanted to get a better grasp of, then she looked it up. And, it turned out, she was particularly good at it. So, really, it should have been no surprise when Robin came to him a few weeks later with absolutely no mention of their kisses and dumped a pile of papers on his desk. 

The first 10 pages were theory’s on kissing and bonding and creating a spark and the next 5 were different kissing techniques and how to move your tongue and where to touch and a breakdown of historical descriptions on kissing and what it represented. On the last 3 pages there was some poetry, and one particular one that likened kissing to a blooming flower and Neil wondered vaguely if it was meant to sound as horrific as the poem made it out to be. 

Neil deduced her thought process, “you want to try again”

Her face flushed again, her hair now a dark purple, and she shrugged, “only if you want to. I would do the research regardless”

Neil thought about it. Last time hadn’t been anything special, he didn’t really understand what all the fuss was about, but it hadn’t been _bad_ either and, maybe, it was something he should be looking into. He hadn’t really thought about it before and always brushed off any of the Foxes questions, perfectly content not swinging. But, maybe it was because Robin was bringing it up and Robin was family and Robin understood Neil’s perception more than anyone else had, but Neil did start to wonder if maybe he _should_ care that he didn’t swing. Maybe he should endeavour to make an attempt at something physical. Maybe it was from his mother that the attraction and interest had been beaten out of him. With Robin, he had a chance to find out. 

And Robin was... Kind of pretty. Her nose was slightly too large and her lips were a touch too thin. Her front teeth were crooked and she still held herself awkwardly, even with the muscle on her body. But, Neil didn’t exactly mind looking at her. She was... Familiar. Safety. Trust. Comfort. Family. 

They tried it and it was... Weird. Their noses caught on each other and they knocked teeth and they both decided that closing their eyes made it a lot less creepy and it kind of felt like there was a warm slimy slug in Neil’s mouth, but... It was okay.

It wasn’t a regular thing but, sometimes when they were alone, they would find themselves making out on the couch and Robin would put her hands in Neil’s hair and Neil would keep his hands to himself.

One time Robin asked him, her hair now a sick looking green, “does this mean we’re dating?”

Neil shrugged and said, “I don’t know”

Robin bit her lip and said, “I think... I think it does mean we’re dating”

Neil shrugged and said, “Okay”

Robin nodded and said, “Okay”

Somehow, as these things often did, it must have gotten around to the other Foxes. There was money exchanging hands because, even though the original Foxes were gone, the tradition of useless betting was still there. On two separate occasions teammates came up to him confused because, apparently, that’d been under the impression that Neil was dating Andrew, and Neil was immediately reminded of the Foxes original bets on the two of them and wondered if the pots were still running. Knowing them -knowing _Allison-_ they probably still were.

It was a week later, Robin having been acting strangely around him and asking him strange questions that were kind of making him feel uncomfortable, when she came in the room, pulled herself to her full height and lifted her chin. She shut her eyes tight before blurting, “I don’t want to have sex with you. Ever. Sorry”

Neil stared at her in bafflement until she finally cracked her eyes open to look at him.

“... Okay” he said. He didn’t want to say that he didn’t want to have sex with her either, but… he didn’t want to have sex with her either. Usually, he was perfectly fine with brushing girls off as bluntly as necessary, but Robin was his friend and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. He’d discovered a strange thing where a girl’s sense of self-worth was oftentimes tied in to their perceived physical attractiveness and, although he was fairly certain that Robin held no such shallow delusions, he didn’t want to upset her unnecessarily. 

“I mean, no offense Neil, but I’ve tried to think about it and imagine it and the entire idea just makes me feel incredibly icky. But it’s not just you, it’s everyone, anyone. I don’t want to have sex with _anyone_ ever. Okay?”

Neil looked at her warily and nodded his head slowly, “okay”

She let out a breath like she was relieved and pulled out a stack of papers from her bag. Her library printing bill must be massive. “Okay. Okay, good. Because I think I know why, now. I’ve been doing some reading and... I’m pretty sure I’m asexual”

She grabbed the stack and sat by Neil, her leg brushing his leg as he looked over at what she was holding. It sounded vaguely familiar, but he couldn’t recall from where, “what’s that? “

“It’s when a person isn’t sexually attracted to anyone. It’s a thing, Neil. It’s actually a thing! And it doesn’t mean that I’m broken or something’s wrong with me, because there are normal people out there too. There are normal people who have no interest in sex or boyfriends or girlfriends and there’s a whole spectrum, Neil! A whole spectrum of people who fall on the scale of asexuality and -oh my god!” she suddenly looked at Neil, eyes wide and blown like she just discovered something astounding, “Neil, oh my god, _YOU DON’T SWING!_“

Neil blinked at her but she barrelled on, “you don’t swing. I didn’t even think about it before, but _you don’t swing_ and maybe that means you’re like me. Maybe you’re asexual too”

Neil took the pages from her, suddenly curious, and began reading.

**  
**Winter of 2011… **

Every year, after Christmas, Neil’s original Foxes plus Robin meet up and go to a ski resort together, in a kind of twisted homage to Kevin Day and the original lie about his hand. It’s a dark inside joke, for they are all a little dark inside, too. The first two days are all about them, but then some can leave and family and significant others can join and it becomes something like a second Christmas. Andrew sometimes bails after the required two days, and Neil sometimes wishes he went with him.

Nicky, upon meeting him at the airport, immediately asks the moment he has Neil in a vice he absolutely cannot escape from, “oh my god, Neil! You hooked up with Robin??” 

Andrew’s coffee stilled on the journey to his mouth, the layers upon layers of coats and jackets reminding Neil of that girl in that movie that Matt had him watch, the one who ate something and turned blue and blew up like a blueberry. Andrew looked at Nicky, then at Neil, then looks back out the window. Neil wondered if there was anything of particular interest out there, or if Andrew just found it more interesting than in here.

Aaron watched Andrew with a narrowed eyes before he turned that look on Neil. The effect of the many layers is the same, but Neil finds it a lot less endearing, “I thought you said you don’t swing”

Neil ignored Aaron and looked to Nicky, somehow managing to pry himself out of the other mans arms, “who told you? “

“Jose, who else?” Jose was the year below Neil. Nicky and Jose had immediately hit it off, Jose sharing Nicky’s half-Mexican heritage and matching him in the still unresolved battle of most flamboyant gay. That second year had been a particularly strange year. “Honestly, Neil Abram Josten, I am shocked. I mean, sure, I’m a little gutted that my gay-dar was so far off, but I’m just so happy that you’ve actually discovered your sex drive”

“I haven’t” Neil stated bluntly.

“What?” Nicky squinted at him like he was slow.

“I haven’t, Nicky. When I said I don’t swing I meant it and nothings changed” Neil felt a strange and unfamiliar feeling of nerves admitting this out loud. It was senseless and stupid, and yet, he felt it anyway, “I’m asexual”

“What? No you’re not. That’s not even a thing”

“It is, and I am. I’m not interested in anyone like that”

Aaron shot another look to Andrew, which went ignored, so he set his frowny and grumpy sights back on Neil. Neil wasn’t exactly thrilled, “so, you’ve never had sex? You never want to have sex? “

Neil thought about it, but it felt… right, “no. No, I really don’t think I do. I’m just not interested”

“Neil, I mean, c’mon. That’s just so sad. How do you know you don’t like it if you haven’t tried it? “

“Nicky-” Aaron started, but he was cut off from an unexpected corner.

“Hey, Nicky, do you like dogs?” Andrew tilted his head to the side, his gaze slightly narrowed and tone suspiciously light. It was the kind of question that Andrew would have asked when he was high and manic on his court mandated medication and, for a startlingly clear and terrifying moment, Neil worried that he might be on something.

“…Yeah” Nicky answered back hesitantly, clearly just as confused.

“Would you eat one?” Andrew pressed, his mouth curling up into something sharp, ready to bite.

“What? No!” 

“Why not? In many cultures it’s considered a standard dish” There was something dangerous lurking around Andrew and Neil wasn’t the only one to notice –Aaron was eyeing him warily too.

“But that’s just wrong-“ Nicky continued

“Is it? How do you know if you’ve never tried it?” Andrew barely paused for a breath, “Say, Nicky, do you want to be stabbed in the arm? “

“Andrew, what? No, of course-“

“Why?”

“Because it would _hurt”_

“How do you know, have you ever been stabbed in the arm?” Andrew didn’t relent, “Hey Nicky, have you ever had sex with a woman?”

“No” And now Nicky’s voice took on a quieter, more reserved sound and just listening to it was making Neil want to start looking for exits. Neil had a sneaking suspicion he now knew where Andrew was going with this and it was kind of like watching a car crash and doing absolutely nothing to stop it.

“Why not?” Andrew’s tone was unforgiving

“_’Why not?’_ Well, in case you haven’t yet noticed Andrew, I’m _gay-“_

“How do you know? Have you ever tried it? Did you even try to be straight? How could you possibly know that you’re gay if you haven’t even tried to be straight?”

Nicky blinked, swallowing, and Neil watched as the car Nicky was driving smashed into the unforgiving brick wall that was Andrew. Neil wondered if maybe he should have taken over, tried to explain it to Nicky nicely. Then he wondered if that would even work.

_“Andrew”_ Neil said, not liking seeing Nicky like that. Not after he knew what Nicky went through with the people who had raised him. 

Andrew didn’t stop, though, because Andrew was a great many things but sympathetic wasn’t one of them, “Neil just told you that he’s asexual. Maybe you should stop and think before you question anyone else’s sexuality, especially considering who your parents are”

Nicky blinked, stunned into a morose kind of silence, and looked to Neil with something scarily close to tears in his eyes and guilt on his face and Neil felt immediately uncomfortable. He mentally prepared himself to deal with another hug.

“I’m so sorry, Neil. I didn’t mean any harm, I swear. I just... I don’t want you to be alone”

“I’m not alone,” Neil assured him, because he wasn’t. Nicky still looked guilty and chastened and Neil didn’t want to look at it anymore, “it’s okay, Nicky. It doesn’t matter”

They waited for Robin’s flight to land before they headed to the resort and their booked rooms. Nicky swallowed her up in an enthusiastic hug, (something she could now allow and enjoy as long as she knew it was coming) and she stole a small one off Aaron, despite his grumbling. Neil got a side hug with a wet kiss on the cheek that he wiped away, and Andrew got a nod and an awkward wave.

She says, “Andrew”

He says, “Robin” with a nod of his own, and then the reunion of Andrew’s collected Palmetto family (minus Kevin) is done and Neil can’t help the swell in his chest at having them all together again.

They meet the others inside the resort after a long, winding and cramped drive where Neil was half convinced they were going to break down, find themselves stranded, and be eaten by bears. Neil was also convinced that Andrew would probably survive and become a wild caveman, forever hunting the bears that ate his family. Or maybe that was a movie. Neil really wasn’t sure.

The ski resort was similar to the cabin they stayed at in the mountains after Neil had somehow, some-miraculous-fucking-way made it back to them after the run-in with his father that first year. Kevin couldn’t make it this time due to his vigorous training camp for the Olympic team, but all the others were here and greetings were passed around as enthusiastic as deemed necessary.

When topic moved on to Robin, (who, despite not being part of Neil’s original Foxes, had been kept by Andrew and that meant she was family) she declared loudly and unabashedly, “Not much. Except that, well, I’m quite certain that Neil is the absolute worst kisser in the entire world”

Dan barked out a startled laugh and slapped a hand over her mouth with her eyes wide, her “sorry Neil” smothered behind her hand.

“Wait. What? When the hell did _that_ happen?” Allison demanded.

Neil resisted the urge to roll his eyes, but only just, “wow, jeez, thanks Robin. Why don’t you tell me how you really feel?”

“_Clearly_ you don’t have Jose’s number” Nicky directed to Allison, “else you would have already heard the goss”

Robin shrugged with feigned apology.

“Well, considering that this Jose joined the Foxes the year after I left: no. No I don’t have his number. Astute observation, Nicky” Allison shot back, one highly plucked eyebrow arched.

Nicky poked his tongue out at her.

“So, is it true then?” Renee asked from her spot beside Allison, “I thought it was just a rumour”

“Rumours and gossip; the Foxes bread and butter” Matt quipped lowly at Neil’s side, sharing with him a crooked smile that Neil unsuccessfully tried to send back.

Robin turned to Neil, her lips pursed as she looked at him with a grimace, “sorry Neil, I assumed everybody already knew and I was just trying to get it over with”

Neil shrugged nonchalantly. He didn’t really care, truly, but he wasn’t exactly interested in the conversation. Truth be told, he was tired. He wondered, briefly, if he would be sharing a room with Andrew again this time. He also thought that he wouldn’t mind if he was. Speaking of Andrew…

“So, Neil isn’t actually a horrible kisser?” Nicky teased playfully.

Neil’s eyes moved around the room, looking for the familiar figure of the New York Wildcat’s nightmare goalie. But, like a shadow, he’d slipped away.

Robin scoffed, “I didn’t say that I’d _lied_”

“So, wait, back up a bit here. You guys were a thing and then you broke up? Or was it some kind of one-night-stand, cabin fever kind of deal?” Matt asked.

There were too many rooms and exits, Neil wasn’t quite sure just where to start looking, but outside was probably a sure bet.

“It was an experiment. We came to a conclusion: experiment over.” Robin explained simply.

Renee caught Neil’s eye when his gaze travelled over her, a small secret smile curled at her mouth.

“And the conclusion was that Neil is a terrible kisser- ouch! What?_ It’s funny_” Matt rubbed the spot on his arm, looking at Dan with a mock wounded expression.

Renee’s smile curled wider and her head tilted to the side and then her eyes followed where her head had gone and suddenly Neil knew exactly which way Andrew had disappeared. 

“No, that was just a side-notation. The conclusion was- wait. Neil, do you mind?” Robin asked, snagging his attention from where he nodded his thanks to Renee, who’s usually pleasant smile was looking rather smug. 

Neil looked at Robin, his brow furrowed, “it’s only putting a name to what I’ve always said: I don’t swing. Excuse me” and promptly moved to vacate the area.

“The conclusion is that sex is incredibly gross and neither of us are even remotely interested in it. We also discovered that we are both asexual and it is perfectly normal and healthy and we don’t need to have physical relationships to be fulfilled”

“Of course you don’t,” Renee’s serene voice followed his retreating back, “love comes in many forms”

“Yes, well,” Allison scoffed, her voice taking on a conspirators tone before Neil was out of earshot, “if he _did_ swing, we all know exactly who’s direction he’d be swinging to, don’t we?”

Then the door clicked shut on the rest of their senseless chatter. Neil had missed them, truly, he’d missed them like crazy, but sometimes they were overwhelming and loud and sometimes that was great, but sometimes he just needed silence and space and that was often found in the presence of Andrew.

Neil found him on the deck, leaned over the railing at the further side of the cabin, smoking a cigarette and staring into the sunset. Neil took a moment just to look, to watch, to observe, before stepping closer and finding his own space beside him.

Andrew didn’t look at him and Neil didn’t mind at all, instead leaning against the railing and watching the curl of smoke rise up into the air.

“Stop hiding” Andrew’s voice was low and bored and Neil somehow always managed to forget how much he really missed hearing it, until he found himself hearing it again. It sounded like home. Like keys. Like truth and like trust.

“If I’m hiding out here, then what does that mean you’re doing?” Neil shot back.

Andrew held up the cigarette, eyebrow raised and gave Neil a pointed look, “smoking”

Neil smothered the smile that wanted to climb onto his face, knowing Andrew wouldn’t like the sight of it. Instead, he broke their eye contact and looked out into the sunset with him and enjoyed the full and light feeling he had swelling in his chest at having all his family back in one place again.

A lit cigarette found its way in between Neil’s fingers and, sometime later, Renee wandered out with a tray with three glasses, two whiskeys and something that looked like orange juice. Andrew took the first whiskey and, after a split second’s debate and a glance at Andrew (who was already watching him) Neil picked up the other glass and thanked Renee. Neil looked down at it and thought how the amber liquid in his glass kind of matched the liquid colour of Andrew’s eyes. It felt like a good metaphor, and he found his mouth smiling despite himself.

She smiled a small smile, her gaze flicking to Andrew in a look Neil couldn’t quite read and that Andrew blatantly ignored, before retreating back inside. 

**  
** Back to Present… **

“I want to take a turn” Neil says one night when they are out for a compulsory drink and dinner with the rest of their New York Wildcat’s team. Andrew had slipped away for a cigarette that the Coach and the rest of the team pretended he didn’t smoke and Neil had found himself following.

Andrew looked into the night, blowing out the smoke into the crisp evening air. For a moment, Neil thought that Andrew would deign to ignore him, but then he flicked his fingers at him in a lazy gesture, his tone low and disinterested, “go on, then.”

Neil could feel every ounce of the one whiskey in his gut, the heat of it running through his bloodstream as he asked, “Are you still physically attracted to me?”

Andrew stilled, his own glass of whiskey half way to his mouth. It reminded Neil much like the time he had confronted Andrew about what Roland had implied, that Andrew was tying him down, and Andrew’s subsequent admission about his attraction. It was hardly a surprise that Neil was reminded of it, it was where his new question was based, after all.

Andrews’s eyes shot to Neil in a narrowed look, before he looked back into the night and downed the rest of his whiskey. He tapped the glass to the railing and stared at it, before inhaling another drag of his cigarette “it doesn’t matter”

“If it didn’t matter,” Neil said, “then I wouldn’t have asked”

Andrew shot him an even more narrowed look, something closer to a glare, turning his body to face Neil at the railing and crossing his arms over his chest, “why? Have you suddenly developed a discomfort over being seen as attractive by another man?”

Neil didn’t let Andrew distract him, “so you are still attracted to me, then?”

Andrew gave a nonchalant shrug, mouth curled up in distaste, “it’s irrelevant”

Neil flicked his eyes inside to check that they were still alone before he dared to step closer, voice lowered, “why are you avoiding the question? Just answer it”

Andrew smiled, and it was a cold and bitter thing full of mocking, “yes, Neil. I would still strip you down and suck your cock. I would turn you into a blabbering mess and make you come with my name spilling from your mouth,” Andrew’s eyes narrowed and his smile turned more deadly, “does that make you uncomfortable, Neil?”

“No” Neil cleared his throat and swallowed, his mouth suddenly needing water. That whiskey had gone to his head much more than he thought.

“Liar,” Andrew’s deadly smile dropped as he moved, body turning from Neil as he looked back into the night.

Neil’s brain had short-circuited a little bit, synapses not quite firing right, and the only thing his brain could think to spit out was, “it’s your turn”

Andrew looked down at the cigarette in his hand, a huff of breath from his mouth as he shook his head minutely. He threw the butt over the railing and collected his empty glass, “I’m done with your presence. Go bother someone else with your useless questions”

Neil slipped his arm out to block Andrew’s path. He didn’t touch Andrew –he wouldn’t dare- but he spayed his hand between them to halt Andrew’s retreat. Andrew could easily push it aside with whatever force he deemed necessary, but instead his eyes narrowed down at it and his irritation was clear on his face as he dared Neil to speak.

“I wasn’t lying. I was just surprised, is all,” Andrew’s expression didn’t change, so Neil bulled on, “It doesn’t bother me. Honestly”

Andrew tongue ran along his teeth and Neil found himself watching the movement. Finally, Andrew crooked a finger at him and, as easy as breathing, Neil followed the motion. “Read my lips, Neil” he said, “I. Don’t. Care.”

And then he pushed past Neil, his air-cool and calloused hand shoving Neil out of his way as he went inside. Neil watched his retreating back far longer than he should have, thoughts moving and twisting, but above them all he couldn’t help wondering why Andrew had just lied to him.

**

The problem was, Neil had had a dream. 

It wasn’t an unusual occurrence, Neil often dreamed. Sometimes it was Exy, sometimes it was his father, sometimes it was Lola and dashboard lighters, and sometimes it was his mother telling him how stupid he was. Sometimes, he’d dream of Kevin standing on the court, the Moriyama’s behind him, yelling at him to move faster, work harder, but no matter what he did he was always too slow, too weak, too useless. He always woke in a cold sweat as soon as the barrel of a gun was pointed at his head, and that was the cue to get up and moving with his day, regardless of the time.

And, sometimes, he had dreams about Andrew. The horror of what Drake had done to him, what Andrew had suffered and the part that Neil had played in it. The guilt had slowly lessened over time, but it never truly went away. Sometimes, his dreams would take him back there, and he would be sitting at the table with Nicky’s parents once again and he’d see Drake walk upstairs and he couldn’t move from his seat, couldn’t speak, couldn’t capture anyone’s attention and he would be forced to listen to Andrew’s screams and his manic laughter and sit there completely helpless. Sometimes, when he made it upstairs, it was him that caved in Drake’s skull. Sometimes it was Andrew’s skull that was caved in and Neil would have to stare at him in utter horror. Sometimes, Drake was his own father.

He’d had a dream, once, recently. It was a strange dream. They had been at Eden’s, but instead of being there with his Foxes they were there with their new team and Andrew was following a man out the back. Neil knew where Andrew was going, knew what he was doing, but he followed anyway. 

His chest felt… heavy. Tight. Like he couldn’t quite breathe properly. And he felt kind of sick, kind of dirty, a kind of discomfort and senseless irritation under his skin and he didn’t know why. He didn’t know why, but he followed anyway, and just managed to capture Andrew before he disappeared in a doorway. Neil had a hold of Andrew’s arm and Neil didn’t like that because he would never grab Andrew like that without permission. Andrew turned on Neil but he wasn’t Andrew from now, he was Andrew when Neil had first met him, manic grin on his face and dark amusement in his eyes. It made no sense, but it was a dream so suddenly it made perfect sense. 

Neil said, “Don’t go. Stay” 

Andrew had grinned and laughed and said, “What will you give me?” 

Neil had said, “Anything. Everything” 

Andrew had laughed, the sound twisted and cruel and somehow hitting Neil right in the chest like some kind of grief and Andrew had said, “oh, Neil. Stupid Neil. You won’t ever be enough. You’re nothing.” 

Neil had awoken with a strange tightness in his chest, a pain under his ribs and hands shaking. 

It was so strange, because it hadn’t been a particularly scary dream -not like the twisted nightmares he was used to- but it left him feeling shaken and unsteady for the entire day. That is, until Andrew had called him a junkie at practice and then proceeded to fire rebounds at his helmet until Neil had been pissed off enough to forget about it.

But that wasn’t the dream that was causing Neil problems. Unsettling, yes, but it wasn’t the dream that was invading Neil’s thoughts at the most innocuous and unexpected moments; Like when Andrew waited for him to change in the locker room; or they went out to dinner; or shared cigarettes on the window ledge; or when Andrew pulled off his helmet at practice, hair sweaty and face flushed, gloved hand running through his hair before he noticed Neil’s attention and flipped him off; or those rare times that Andrew’s mouth would curve with the almost ghost of a smile and his eyes would lighten with something close to amusement and his voice would lower to an almost warm sound.

Or, more specifically and most recent, when they were at a compulsory team get-together at a restaurant/bar and Neil had drunk a rare whiskey and somehow found himself opening his mouth and asking a question that he now felt he really shouldn’t have asked.

The dream, well, compared to so many others it was rather mundane. Innocent. Pleasant. Nice. Yeah, that was it. It had been _nice._ And now, Neil was confused. In the dream, Neil had been with Andrew, but instead of being here in New York they were back at Palmetto, on their roof. They were smoking cigarettes and Andrew was drinking a bottle of vodka he’d procured from somewhere and somehow, someway, Andrew had ended up kissing him and Neil… Neil had kind of liked it. 

The actual kiss itself had been lost to the dreamscape, but the feeling…. The feeling that it had left Neil with was both exciting and unsettling and Neil just didn’t know what to do with it. It had felt…. Safe. Warm. Comfort. Family. Home. Right -like a piece of a puzzle sliding effortlessly into place. 

He’d awoken with a disconcerting feeling in his stomach, like when he’d gone to that amusement park with his Foxes and spun in the teacups until he was dizzy and his stomach was twisting with a mix between giddy and nauseous. And, he had a heavy feeling in his chest, something weighted and melancholy, like he’d just lost something important that he’d never get back. 

Neil had sat at the window until morning, drinking Andrew’s strange tea’s he had stored in the cupboards, presumably from Renee. 

Andrew had come out in the morning at a far more acceptable hour, hair plastered to his head and the indent of a pillow crease on his cheek, looking ridiculously soft and young and it hadn’t helped the strange feeling at all. 

Andrew had taken one look at him and obviously seen something in Neil’s expression, something Neil had failed to hide with his sleep deprivation, and had demanded darkly, “don’t look at me like that” then promptly stomped into the bathroom and slammed the door before Neil had even finished blinking and thought to pull his gaze away.

**

“I’m taking another turn” Neil declared, once he had Andrew trapped in the car. Sure, Andrew could pull over and demand that Neil get out, or not even pull over and push Neil out regardless, but he wouldn’t be able to without being obviously petty and uncomfortable and Neil was fairly confident that Andrew wouldn’t want to sacrifice his aura of uncaring by giving himself away so obviously. At least, he was fairly sure. Sure enough to bet his life on it.

Andrew could oftentimes be the most difficult person to talk to about certain things, but at the same time he could almost be the easiest. Andrew had a way of looking at things clinically, logically, and without shying from harsh and ugly truths. But, Andrew was also allusive and as proficient at diverting topics as Neil, so they only way for Neil to get a straight answer out of him would be to ask directly. Which, given Andrew’s response to the last time, may not go down so well.

“No” Andrew said immediately, not even sparing Neil a glance.

“No?” Neil asked, but didn’t push. He cleared his throat, forcing back the words he’d wanted to say and nodded in acceptance, “okay.”

They lapsed into silence, but Neil could see that Andrew was clearly thinking about something, his jaw clenching and unclenching, fingers tightening and loosening on the steering wheel, eyes watching the road almost unseeing. Neil watched, and waited, and finally his patience paid off and Andrew spoke,

“It’s my turn” 

Neil nodded and waited. And waited. And waited. He didn’t push, didn’t pry, because he knew that sometimes Andrew needed to get his thoughts together and any impatience on his behalf would be just cause to be shut down immediately. They arrived at the gym, and Andrew pulled the car into park but he made no move to get out so neither did Neil.

Andrew fumbled in his pockets, pulling out his carton of cigarettes and lighting it. He cracked the door, but the smoke still permeated. Finally he let out what sounded suspiciously like a sigh and turned to Neil with the lit cigarette between his lips, “why would you ask me that?”

Neil knew exactly what Andrew was talking about and wouldn’t insult him by pretending otherwise. However, that didn’t exactly mean he had to spill it all out either, “because, I was curious”

Andrew sent him an impatient look and when Neil failed to answer him he spoke harshly, “why? Why are you suddenly so curious?”

Neil inhaled a deep breath and let it out slowly, “because I… I had a dream about you and its suddenly making me confused,” at Andrew’s raised brow Neil quickly explained, “not- not a sex dream, or anything. We were just… back at Palmetto, sitting on the roof. We were smoking and you were drinking and then you kissed me. And, I dunno, I guess I kind of liked it”

“So, what, you’re having some kind of sexuality crisis? It was a dream Neil, it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t change anything” Andrew’s voice was cold and apathetic and Neil couldn’t help but feel comforted by it.

“But what if it does?”

Andrew scoffed something harsh and flicked his cigarette out the open car door, before turning fully to face Neil, “it doesn’t. It was just a stupid dream; some manifestation of your subconscious that’s probably a combination of your moronic sentimentality for the first home you ever had at Palmetto and playing on the same team as me again; some kind of link to the old life you miss”

“Wow, that was great” Neil shot back, voice edging on sarcasm, “maybe you should give up being a goalkeeper and become a dream interpreter. You’ve got a natural talent”

Andrew eyes narrowed, “what would be the point? I’d still have to deal with you”

“Ha, funny. Tell me, do you dream about me, Andrew? Am I some kind link to your old life?”

Andrew huffed and looked away flicking his fingers in dismissal, “now you’re just being ridiculous”

“Am I?” Neil leaned closer, voice edged, “am I really?”

“Fuckssakes, Neil, what the hell do you want?” and there was an unexpected edge of anger in Andrew’s voice, “You had a dream where you kissed a man, so what? You don’t need to have some fucking crisis over it, it doesn’t mean that you’re suddenly _gay_”

All of Neil’s anger and frustration evaporated at once, the sudden understanding that Andrew didn’t understand what Neil was trying and failing to explain.

Whatever Andrew saw in Neil’s expression, though, must have made it worse, because Andrew face darkened and his mouth twisted to something cruel and his eyes narrowed into a mock smile, “see, Neil? Nothing to worry about. Give it a week and you won’t even remember”

Andrew made to leave and Neil didn’t stop him but he couldn’t help himself when he said, “It wasn’t _a man,_ Andrew. I kissed _you_”

Andrew stilled, hand still on the handle and back still pointed at Neil.

Neil continued before he could lose his nerve or Andrew could bail, “What I want, Andrew, is to know why I can’t stop thinking about it; about you. I want to know why I found it so relieving when you kicked Jamie to the curb. Why the thought of you with anyone-“ Neil swallowed around the lump in his throat, “-makes me feel sick. Not-“ he said sharply, “-because it’s a _man,_ but because its _you._ I want to know why it makes my skin crawl with irritation and I find myself suddenly wanting to punch something”

Andrew turned back around the look he sent Neil was something dark, lip curled and voice dangerously low, “you DO NOT own me”

“No,” Neil shook his head quickly, “No-one does. I would never dare to try stop you”

Andrew’s hackles lowered slightly and Neil took that as an opportunity to continue before Andrew found him unworthy of his attention.

“I… I want to know if this is new, or if it’s always been there and I just never understood what it was before. I want to know if, maybe, I was wrong when I said I was ace. And that, maybe, I like you. I want to know why just being around you feels like home. I want to know why I can’t stop thinking about kissing you and I really, _really_ want to know if, maybe, you want to kiss me too”

Neil could barely dare to breathe. Andrews was looking at him with a dark and intense expression and Neil couldn’t tell yet if it was a good thing or if he should be preparing himself for violence, or a blunt, scathing rejection. It was kind of terrifying, and kind of exhilarating and Neil had the almost incontrollable urge to run around the gym until he couldn’t feel his legs or his lungs anymore, until he outran the thoughts in his mind.

A boom, loud and startling broke them both from their intense stare-down, Neil’s body jumping at the sound and the corner of his eye catching Andrew do the same. He felt a jolt of satisfaction that, even if Andrew were to dismiss him, at least he wasn’t completely unaffected by what Neil had said. 

Rivers stood at the hood of the car, a wide and bemused grin on his face. He threw his arms up in a questioning gesture and looked at them with wide eyes, “what the hell are you guys doing?!” he yelled through the window, “Coach is ready to crack skulls!”

They both unfroze, exiting the car at the same time. Neil resolved himself not to look at Andrew, but he couldn’t help himself. Andrew, evidently, didn’t have the same problem and grabbed his bag out the car before striding off ahead of them without a backwards glance.

Rivers watched his retreating back as he left and let out a low whistle, “sheesh. I wasn’t quite sure if you’d make it out of there alive. I was almost expecting him to start stabbing you any moment”

Neil scoffed, retrieving his own bag from the car, “you and me both”

Rivers waited whilst Neil locked up and walked with him to the gym, “so uh… that looked intense. Lovers spat?”

Neil tilted his head at him in confusion, “’lovers spat’?”

Rivers waved a hand at him, “yeah, y’know. Like, domestic squabbles. Trouble in paradise. Someone’s in the dog-box –in this case I’m assuming it’s you- a disruption to the marital bliss, yeah? Lovers spat.”

“Lovers spat” Neil repeated again, because it seemed that his brain was no longer working. He looked at Rivers, his easy smile, and furrowed his brow, “wait. Hold on. You think me and Andrew are together. Like, dating?”

Rivers blinked again, suddenly looking confused himself, “well, I mean… aren’t you? No offense or anything, but you guys have been pretty obvious so we all just assumed it wasn’t meant to be a secret,” his expression cleared to something like horror, his hand slipping over to cover his mouth, “oh. Fuck. We didn’t mean to out you guys prematurely. Like, none of us would ever say anything to the press or anything, that’s totally up to you. We just can’t help but notice things when we spend hours upon hours each day working our asses off together, y’know?”

Neil cleared his throat, looking forward, “uh, yeah. Okay”

They slipped into the door and Rivers moved his massive frame closer to Neil, his voice low, “just so you know, none of us care. Homophobia is a like some kind of primitive mental disorder, and we all like to think of ourselves as higher evolved than that. We back you all the way”

Neil nodded and forced a smile to his face that he knew was strained, “thank you”

Rivers nodded at him and clapped him on his shoulder with his big, beefy, backliner hand and Neil almost buckled under the unexpected weight.

Neil’s eyes moved around the room, slipping over bodies and smiling, friendly faces and greetings until they found the 5’ frame of the man he was looking for. The man, whom, apparently, the entire team was convinced Neil was in a relationship with. 

Neil debated telling Andrew, but thought better of it. Andrew was a private person and probably wouldn’t appreciate the team watching him so closely and making assumptions about them. It wasn’t anything new, but, telling him felt unnecessary. Although, Neil was pleased to know that, regardless what –if anything- did happen between himself and Andrew, that at least Andrew had support here, even though he wouldn’t want or appreciate it. 

It was still nice to know.

The day progressed and they were taking a break for a light lunch and to stretch their legs before an afternoon of intense cardio. Neil was downing his Powerade, listening to the voices and conversations of the teammates around him and pretending to pay attention and also trying not to look at Andrew too much. 

He was obviously doing a poor job of it because Rivers sent him a sympathetic look which Neil accepted awkwardly.

Light fingers ghosted across the small of Neil’s back and he almost failed at suppressing his shiver. The owner of them stepped beside him and Neil suddenly found his stomach writhing in unfamiliar knots. Andrew didn’t look at him, his presence solid at Neil’s side and his eyes roaming over the gathered team, some of whom were watching them with terribly concealed curiosity.

Andrew leaned slightly into Neil, turning his head towards him but his gaze still lost in the distance. Neil watched as his jaw worked before he licked his lips and opened his mouth, 

“Ask me again later” the Russian was rough, clumsy, and awkward on an unpractised tongue. It had been years since they spoke it, since they needed to, and yet Neil still felt his chest swell with a deep breath at the bittersweet reminder.

The actual words themselves took longer to compute, and even then his mind blanked at the implication.

_Ask me again later_

“Okay” Neil said, or thought he said, and Andrew’s eyes flicked up to Neil’s and captured him, and he thought that Andrew would know what he meant anyway.

_Ask me again later_

His stomach was suddenly twisting more furiously, like he was back again, spinning around in the teacup with Matt and Dan, hollering and hooting. Something like anticipation buzzed under his skin, an untapped and restless energy that suddenly needed an outlet. He ignored the knowing looks of his team, and mock kisses faces that were sent his way by Lloyd and Karson -that they had been doing at him for a while now, but only since Rivers confession did he assume it was meant for him and Andrew. He guess it made sense. Kind of. He stepped away from them, already needing to run, to move, to find an outlet for this bubbling, jittery feeling. 

He slipped by Rivers who grinned at him suggestively, “Jesus Christ, Josten. What did he say to you?”

Neil turned, blinking, still lost in his head.

_Ask me again later_

Rivers took a look at him with wide eyes and he held up his hands in mock surrender, “y’know what, no. I’ve changed my mind, don’t tell me”

“I’m gonna-“ Neil cleared his throat and tried again, “I’m gonna go for a run”

“Josten, we’ve got two hours of cardio after this. Sit down man, don’t be crazy” Karson said at Rivers side, a bemused smile on her wide mouth, dark brow furrowed.

“Yeah, listen to Felicity here, you mental gym bunny. Besides, personally I’d recommend a cold shower” Lloyd said from her side, smirking like he just caught Neil with his pants down.

Neil blinked at him as Karson smacked him in the chest, “stop it, you. Leave him alone”

Neil shook his head and slipped by them, but he was still close enough to hear, 

“Jesus, what the hell did Minyard say to him?”

“I have no idea. But, judging by the look on Jostens face, I’d say it was downright _filthy_”

The drive home was quiet. Not a bad kind of quiet, not even an anticipatory one. Neil had what felt like worms wiggling in his stomach and fireflies under his skin, but his own personal feelings didn’t infect the rest of the car.

The rest of the car meaning Andrew, but that was pretty standard. Andrew was rarely affected by anything. 

They had dinner, getting by on one syllable words and affirmative grunts. Andrew retired to his spot in the window, climbing up on the ledge and crossing his legs over, arms stretched over his knees and gaze into the night sky. After Neil had finished loading the dishwasher, he joined him, with two mugs of some kind of tea that he’d found that he actually liked. 

Andrew accepted the tea with a nod of thanks and gave absolutely no reaction as he drank it, seeming lost into his thoughts. 

Not so lost, though, that he didn’t notice Neil’s staring. Without even turning to look at him, Andrew dug his two fingers into Neil’s cheek, tips pressing into long-healed knife scars, and forcibly turned his head away. 

Neil hid his smile in the collar of his shirt. 

“Andrew” Neil spoke when he was released, turning his head to watch him once again, “is it later yet?”

Andrew stilled, eyes flicking up to Neil’s briefly before they went back to his lit stick. He took another drag before he looked at Neil fully, shrugged one side of his shoulder, and said, “Yeah”

“Can I ask you a question? “

Andrew caught his gaze and didn’t look away, “okay”

Neil sucked in a breath for fortitude, “will you kiss me?“

He didn’t realise he was biting his lip until Andrew’s attention snagged on it. Andrew took a last drag, blowing the smoke out into the night and stabbing the butt out onto a ceramic ashtray. He turned back to Neil and something in his expression had changed. Something dark lurked there and Neil found himself wanting to know what it was. 

“Yeah” his voice was low and it was doing something crazy to Neil’s insides. 

Andrew slipped off the ledge and moved in front of Neil, hands slipping lightly to each one of his knees. 

Neil blinked at him, breath caught in his throat, “wait. Right now?”

Andrew shot him an unimpressed look, brow raised archly, “would you like to pencil it into your schedule, Mr Josten?”

“No” Neil scoffed, brow furrowed, “I just- I haven’t brushed my teeth”

Robin was always very particular about oral hygiene, and Neil was still slightly disturbed to learn just how many different types of bacteria were contained in one’s mouth. 

Andrew stared at him steadily and Neil wasn’t quite sure if he was going to kiss him or throw him out the 9th story window. Then Andrew’s eyes moved to the ceiling and he ran his tongue over his teeth and let out a harsh breath that could almost be classed as exasperation. 

“I don’t care”

“Okay”

Andrew’s fingers flexed on his knees, the tips digging in slightly before he pushed them apart. Neil let him. 

Andrew’s hips slipped in between them, belt buckle resting against the edge of the ledge. One hand slipped up from Neil’s knee and curled around the back of his neck in a touch so familiar his chest expanded. 

Andrew was looking at him an Neil was ensnared and then Andrew looked down to Neil’s fingers clenched in his lap and Neil dutifully slipped them behind his back, fully aware of just why Andrew didn’t like to be touched. 

Neil thought that he would rather cut off his own fingers than touch Andrew without his permission. There were some things in life he just couldn’t afford to lose. 

Andrew watched them disappear and tugged Neil forward and then kissed him. 

Neil had kissed a few girls in his life. Not many, just a few. He and Robin had given it a good go, and, with all the research and practice, they’d considered themselves fairly adept. He didn’t know anymore what it was that he and Robin had been doing those few short months, but it quite clearly was not _this. _

Andrew kissed him like he was pulling the breath from Neil’s mouth that he needed to fill his own lungs. Or, maybe that was just Neil. Neil’s breath had escaped in something that sounded suspiciously like a shaky sigh and he wasn’t quite sure if he had breathed in yet. He wasn’t quite sure if he even needed to. The unexpected softness of Andrew’s chapped lips, the warmth of his breath, the moisture teasing the edges of his mouth -surely this could sustain him for days. Weeks even. He felt a strange kind of reckless invincibility. 

Andrew started to pull back, and, Neil thought, it was quite fortunate that Andrew had the foresight to order Neil’s arms away, because he wasn’t quite sure he would have succeeded in restraining himself against the urge to latch on to Andrew and not let him go. 

As it was, he followed Andrews retreat, trying to stay captured by those pleasantly soft and supple lips, until Andrew put a stop to it and pushed him back with a splayed hand to his chest. 

Neil’s breathing was shallow and rushed, his chest rising and falling like he’d just run a mile. Or ten miles. Andrew, on the other hand, looked completely composed, the absolute bastard. 

“That was way better than my dream” Neil admitted, his voice sounding kind of shaky. 

Andrew raised a brow at him and Neil kind of wanted to trace it with his finger. 

“Can we, uh-“ Neil’s eyes immediately dropped back down to where he wanted his lips to be. He lost his thoughts, swallowed audibly and forced his gaze back up to meet the hazel of Andrew’s, “can we try that again?”

So they did. And, Neil thought, (as Andrew’s expert tongue slipped into his mouth and did something against his own that caused him to shudder and release a -no doubt- embarrassing sound from his throat entirely without permission) he could understand why his mother always called this so dangerous, was so against it. Neil was quite certain that, had he any secrets left, Andrew could pry every single one of them from his mouth with that expert tongue of his. And Neil, usually quite assured of himself as a rather resourceful person, would give them all over without single hesitating thought in his mushed and kissed-dizzy brain. 

Andrew pulled back again and this time Neil let him. He needed a moment to get his thoughts in a semblance of order before he started babbling nonsense that had Andrew shoving him through the window. 

Also, he was quite satisfied to see that Andrew was no longer unruffled. Andrew’s pupils were trying to swallow his eyes and the effect was something Neil was sure he wanted to see again and again. Andrew’s lips were red and puffed, swollen from their lip lock and shiny from their saliva. Neil thought about germs in people’s mouths, and he thought that, maybe, he quite liked the way that Andrew’s tasted. 

“You are a horrible kisser” Andrew spoke bluntly, but the effect was lost in the husky gravel of his voice, and the way he couldn’t quite hide that, he too, was trying to catch back his breath. 

Neil’s mouth started to curve up on its own accord and he let it. He was quite certain that he looked like an absolute mess and he absolutely did not care. 

“I just need more practice” He quipped, leaning forward again, but Andrew leaned away so Neil stopped and waited. 

Andrew watched him, his hands slipping down from Neil’s neck and up from Neil’s thigh, along his shoulders, down his biceps. Fingers slipped over the tensed muscles of Neil’s forearms, Andrew leaning close to him -almost chest to chest- to reach behind him to where Neil’s fingers were knotted together so tightly he was starting to feel the beginning of pins and needles. 

Andrew’s hands clenched around Neil’s wrists and Neil clenched his fingers impossibly tighter, prepared to have them fall off from the lack of circulation, if only it meant assuring Andrew that he was safe – always, and nothing but safe- with Neil. 

Andrew fingers moved, spider crawling over the back of his clenched hands and numb fingers. They poked and prodded and Neil’s death grip laxed and Andrew’s fingers threaded through his own, slotting into place, curling and wrapping around knuckles, fingertips touching palms in a grounding embrace. Andrew’s eyes never left Neil’s and Neil was quite sure that he had never, in the entirety of his life, experienced a more intensely intimate moment -and Andrew was just touching his hands. 

He was fairly positive that, if Andrew were to touch him anywhere else, he might just combust into billions of scattered Atoms. Neil was also fairly positive that this was quite evident confirmation that he was, in fact, quite ridiculously attracted to Andrew. 

He wondered how he hadn’t known. He wondered how long he would have continued to not know, had his subconscious not shoved it in his face. He wondered where they’d be, now, had Andrew kissed him back at Palmetto like he had in Neil’s dream. He wondered if he should feel cheated that it took so long, or just grateful that he could have it now. 

And then he stopped thinking all together because Andrew’s short and calloused fingers tugged at Neil’s scarred ones and pulled them apart without resistance. Neil’s shoulders ached and his fingers tingled and Andrew moved his hands from behind his back and tugged them forward, leading them where Andrew wanted them to go and Neil followed willingly. 

Andrew’s fingers slipped out from the grooves in Neil’s, his thumbs pressing deep into Neil’s palms as his hands moved down to Neil’s wrists and gripped them with a strong, forceful grip that was on this side of too rough. 

Neil was well used to Andrew’s rough affection. He was also well used to Andrew doing everything he could to pretend that it wasn’t affection. 

Andrews grip tightened to almost painful for a moment, then slackened completely to the barest contact. Hazel eyes were searching Neil’s face like he was looking for something. Neil didn’t know what he found, but whatever decision Andrew was wrestling with appeared to be settled, judging by the slackening around his mouth and the decided tilt of his golden-stubbled jaw. 

Andrew lifted Neil’s hands until they hovered over his shoulders, and Andrew (Neil hadn’t noticed, far too distracted by what he was quite sure was happening, but also completely sure that he had to wrong about)—Andrew had moved closer and his breath ghosted over Neil’s mouth as he spoke so low and rough it was almost a whisper, “just here”

Neil’s fingers plunged themselves into the golden locks of Andrew’s hair, digging and tugging until his scarred digits were buried in them. Andrew captured his mouth again and this time it was less like exploring and a lot more like fighting. Neil was sure that Andrew was trying to posses his mouth and Neil grew bold, despite Andrew’s statement of his deplorable technique, his own tongue determined to uncover every inch of Andrew’s. 

They were battling, and it was glorious. Neil tugged at Andrew’s hair like it was the only thing holding him to existence and Andrew bit his lip roughly in retaliation, and Neil let out another sound that he was sure wasn’t normal, but had absolutely no brain cells left to care about. Andrew’s hands roamed and Neil’s hands stayed and Neil was certain he was going to develop a rash from the friction of Andrew’s stubble and the moisture escaped around their mouths. He was also certain that it would be completely and utterly worth it. 

Andrew was the one to pull back and Neil almost didn’t let him. Or, maybe, Andrew had already been trying to escape and Neil had clung on like a leech and banished any thought of Andrew moving away by possessing his mouth and tugging on his lip in a way that Neil had just discovered made Andrew’s breath do something utterly fascinating. He very much wanted to see if he could get Andrew to do it again.

But, Andrew’s hands were pushing Neil back and his mouth was pulling away and Neil let him, this time. 

Andrew’s forehead rested against Neil’s, the fingers on his chest still clenched in his shirt that was sure to be stretched and possibly ruined. Neil didn’t exactly care, but no doubt Andrew would trash it when his back was turned. Or burn it in a fireplace like he’d done to all Neil’s clothes in their forth year at Palmetto after he got sick of Neil wearing the same threadbare ‘rags’ he’d arrived with. 

The only sound was the fast breathing between them, heavy and uneven, both of their chests rising and falling at a rapid rate. Neil was sure that, for professional athletes, they shouldn’t be this winded from a little bit of kissing. He was also quite sure that his heart shouldn’t feel like it was about to beat out of his chest, and his head shouldn’t feel like he’d taken some kind of euphoric drug, and his body shouldn’t feel like gravity was powerless over it; like he might just float away into the ether. 

Andrew released him. Minutes or hours later, Neil didn’t know, but Andrew released him and Neil’s first thought was ‘holy shit’ and his second was ‘I did that’ and he positively hummed with satisfaction at the sight of Andrews blown pupils, glazed eyes, and heavy lids. Neil had left his mark, and it was all over Andrew’s thoroughly swollen mouth, the high flush in his cheeks and the absolute rats-nest of hair that Neil had almost attempted to remove from his head. 

Andrew’s soft and hazy look cleared to an unimpressed one, evidently in response to the low hum still rumbling from deep within Neil’s chest. 

Neil’s mouth curved upwards, lips now feeling the sting. He let out a huff of breath that was almost a laugh, “I think-“ and he had to swallow and his mouth curved wider as Andrew’s eyes narrowed at him, “-I think that, maybe, I’m not as asexual as I thought I was”

Andrew’s hand pushed his face away before Neil had completely finished speaking, the momentum shoving him back into the window and startling a low chuckle from his chest. 

Neil batted Andrew’s hand away and grinned at him, feeling positively giddy and stupid, like he’d been spinning around in teacups. He thought that he wouldn’t be able to remove the smile from his face, no matter how hard he tried. He thought that maybe he understood why Matt was almost always smiling, and definitely always smiling when he slipped back with Dan from whatever private corner they’d secreted away to. He thought that maybe this was the best feeling in the whole wide world, and that was from a man who had -almost literally- signed his own death warrant just to play Exy. 

“Does this mean we’re dating now?” Neil was still grinning and pleased and happy and Andrew was evidently even more unimpressed. He looked at Neil like Neil was stupid and that he was half tempted to still push him out the window or smother him in his sleep. But, with his hair still in disarray from Neil’s hungry hands and the high flush still staining his cheeks, his glare was a lot less _fear-for-your-life_ and a lot more _in-denial-about-looking-positively-ravished._

“What?” Neil asked archly, “It’s not like I know how this works”

Andrew raised his eyes to the ceiling, shaking his head with a sound that was definitely an exasperated sigh and turned to walk away. 

Neil was still giddy, and stupid, and a bubbly kind of reckless so he called after him, “for the record, you’re a much better kisser than Robin!” and laughed at the finger Andrew sent over his shoulder before he slammed the door. 

The sound of the shower started a moment later. 

**

Andrew: *pulls away in frustration* Jesus Christ Neil, what the fuck are you doing? Less tongue  
Neil: *waves him off* I know what I’m doing, I did research. I’ve got this. *moves to lean in again*  
Andrew: *puts hand in face* no. No you definitely DO NOT  
At next Foxes gathering, 3 months later:  
Andrew: I can confirm that Neil is, by far, the worst kisser in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Did I write a meme about my own fic? Yes. Yes, i did.  
Is it funny? No. No it is not.  
Am I sorry? Not even a little bit.
> 
> Alternative names for this fic: ‘Neil finally understands the feelings that everyone else already knew he had’  
or  
‘Andrew was just going through life, minding his own business, accepting the fact that he had been friend-zoned by the man he was absolutely smitten over. Then Neil starts to talk about feelings and Andrew suddenly regrets not killing him when he had the chance’  
or  
‘Neil experiments with kissing and discovers who he doesn’t want to kiss and who he does’  
or  
‘Andrew has to deal with the fact that he’s in love with a man who is simultaneously the best and worst consensual kiss of his life. Its lucky he's still in therapy’
> 
> Not gonna lie, I am low-key in love with Robin.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this stupid little thing that has consumed my life for the last few days,
> 
> :)


End file.
